When do we make decisions on how we see another person? Do we make decisions on first sight? Or do we not even wait that long... maybe we never see them and judge them based on tone of voice, or the language they use. Do we wait a bit and see how they talk, or if they smile? Do we wait even longer and let them explain some opinions to us?
In the process of determining "Yes, I'll allow this person into my life a lot," or "No, not so much," or even "Only on a limited basis will I like this person," perhaps we wait a while. Or maybe we've had someone in our life for so long when suddenly, a choice they make changes how we feel about them entirely. Judgements can change whether they're made upon a first meeting, or after years of knowing someone; they can change. Another truth is that no matter how much we try not to, we always judge people.
We scrutinize and analyze their behavior and our interactions. We judge them to determine how much contact we want with them; we analyze them to find out if their intentions are pure or malevolent. We judge to determine if we want to be more like this person, or perhaps the person wants to be more like us. That last feeling can be flattering or frightening depending on your personality, and that feeling can affect your judgement as well. But whatever the case... we all judge. It's like sneezing, breathing, and using the restroom - we all do it.
When I was nineteen, the anxiety and depression I'd been nursing since my teenage years blossomed into a full blown disorder. I remember a lot of this period, some of it good, some of it traumatic, but one thing that has always stuck in my mind was some advice a person gave me at a Christian conference.
I had confessed my fear that everyone would consider my disorder a mark against me. They would see me as less of a Christian because I swore when I was upset, or because I questioned God and struggled with my faith. Maybe someone would even go so far as to isolate me completely because how could I be a Christian, and believe in an all-loving God, if I was depressed? (Note, this actually happened in a few cases, which did not help things.)
The person I was talking to shook her head, gently assuring me that no one in the room would ever think such things; though, she admitted could not promise me the world (Christian or not) would resist in judging me for anything. It was at this point she sighed deeply and said, "I wish everyone would just take a few minutes, and when meeting someone for the first time, or second time, or one-hundredth time... try to see them how God sees them. If we could look at everyone the way God sees us, we would all be a lot more forgiving."
At the time, this didn't sink into my psyche; I wasn't in a place to process it completely. But as I've aged - as I've become married, borne children, made friends, lost friends and lived life - I've thought about it often, and it's stuck with me. It's often popped out at wonderful times, and at very inopportune times (ex: when someone I have issues with is doing something particularly frustrating, or exhibiting a behavior I think is abhorrent... it pops up then too.)
This might bring up the question to many about how I think God sees us. I have friends who are non-believers who would simply be interested in my thoughts, and I have friends who would roll their eyes at my sentimentality and remind me that there is a lot of evil in the world... how does God see that?
How do you see it when someone you love makes a bad decision? How do you see it when your child does something that you think is appalling, or even something you simply disapprove of? You feel sad, disappointed... maybe even angry. Do you stop loving them? No. Do you stop wanting them to make better choices? No. Do you stop caring for them? No.
I'm not saying I look at everyone, in every situation, with rose-colored glasses. But when I feel that urge inside me to judge someones choices, either out of anger or frustration, I try to take a step back and see them how God would see them. It doesn't always make everything okay, but it at least slows me down a bit in making judgements and forming opinions.
As I've applied this, it's changed my perspective on so many things and helped me connect to so many people. Instead of seeing the aggressive person in the front row of my class, I see someone outgoing who just wants to have fun. Instead of seeing a narcissist, I see the someone with confidence who could teach us all to love ourselves more. Instead of seeing the snob who must hate me, I see the introvert who uses my yoga class as a way to wind herself down. I see the only guy who likes to dance and loves it because he's so much healthier now. I see the extrovert who loves everyone and just wants them to love themselves. I see advocates and activists instead of opinions and blow-hards. Overall, I see the majority of people just want to live their life the best they can.
Trying to see people through the eyes of God, or even the eyes of someone that loves them, slows you down in forming opinions, and can favorably color your interactions with everyone... perhaps enabling you to make new friends, connections, or just gain an appreciation for people from different walks of life.
If you're like me, you also realize that not only are you judging others, or slowing down in that... but others are judging you as well. I still worry about what people will label me as when they first meet me. Does my passion and curiosity come off as creepy and stalker-ish? Do people I want to be friends with see my interest as awkward? Do they see my anxiety about rejection and roll their eyes, or assume I'm crazy? Do they see my intelligence as pretentious? Do they see the good things about me? How much I love kids, and people, and animals and life? Or do they only see the awkward words and lame attempts at friendship, life or anything I try to do?
Instead of letting that worry consume me, keeping me inside and isolated from the world, I slow down and take a deep breath. I pause for a moment, and try to see myself how God sees me, or how my children see me. I step back and try to see myself in rose-colored glasses; the flaws are still there, but they're muted enough that I can still see how unique and strangely beautiful the picture is. I can see the good parts of the painting; the colors and all the little imperfections that hold it together. I remember that I can't be promised everyone will always see the best in me, or in anyone else.
But I can control what I see, and I can hope others do the same.
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