In 32 years of life, I've accumulated A LOT of stuff.
I remember when I was pregnant with my
daughter having a dream that I was in an attic filled with baby clothes from my
own infancy. They were hung up on hangers, organized by age and size,
season and color... it was an OCD sufferer's dream come true. But for me
it was frightening... what should I do with all this stuff?
The house I own is cozy; in other words,
it's rather small. I tell myself daily that a big house doesn't equal a
lot of love. There's lots of love in our walls, and while there may be toys
and dirty clothes strewn throughout the hallways at times, and the table is
full of clutter and mail, the important things are taken care of... important
things being the kids, my spouse, and myself.
In preparing for baby man to arrive, I've
been trying for months to combine the two older children into one room to set
up a crib and other items in the "nursery" room. I've had 9
months to do this, and as the perfect procrastinator I wait until Month 8 to
really get started. My picture should be in the dictionary underneath
"procrastination." I can make up excuses and reasons why it
didn't get done, but the reason is I'm a procrastinator. I'm QUEEN
Procrastinator... bow down.
Today we organized our accumulated things:
some things I'm taking to a half priced book store to try to sell, and other
things I've organized into donation boxes headed for Goodwill or other
charities in the area. Every time I threw something in the donation box,
I uttered the words "We could itemize, maybe we could write it off"
and other variations of that thought. I struggled putting things in the
box. Maybe I could sell it... maybe I could get some kind of cash... $5
is something isn't it?
Despite the fact that in my heart and the
sane part of my brain I know that a donation is a wonderful thing, I struggle
so much with just getting rid of things. I struggle not because I don't
know anyone in need... I know so many people in need of clothing, and toys, and
other items that I have just sitting that it's almost a sin for me not to
donate everything... but I
struggle because as much as I hate to admit it, I have needs too.
And my own needs tend to be logical, and
scream a lot louder than my heart can. So as I struggled, I focused only
on my needs, not on anyone else’s.
There's not a lot of "stuff'" I
need or want... but I want to pay off bills... large bills. Large bills
that make month to month living difficult. Large bills that loom over my
family and I like shadows and make any financial advance or gain I find seem
useless in the long run.
I have a few writing contracts which would
help us build up our savings... if we could pay off the bills.
I can't afford to go back to work because
of daycare, and nor do I want to... so I find ways to make it work. But
if I could just pay off those large things that loom over me, and focus on the
day to day expenses, things would be so much easier. Those I can
handle... the looming feelings are what keep me awake at night.
But those are my needs - and I know I'm
not alone in that need and struggle. If I was alone, there wouldn't be
swap pages on Facebook, or craigslist, or garage sales. If I was the only
one who could benefit from extra cash, there wouldn't be ads in the paper or
consignment shops. I know I'm not the only one... but admitting that need
makes me feel so ashamed I just want to hide. And the guilt is made even
worse by the fact that, overall, I'm not struggling.
Yes, I might need a few new pieces of
clothing, but there are others who need a whole wardrobe. I'd like a new
comforter, but there are people who are freezing and need blankets in the
winter. I have blankets, and clothing, and toys and other things that I'm
not using that I can give away. I might need extra cash to pay looming
bills, but there are others in the same boat that may be even worse off than I
am. I'm not alone, and I'm certainly not in desperation... but there are people out there who are.
Upon analyzing this, I realized it
doesn't matter if I can deduct these donations. It doesn't matter if I
try to sell them and fail, and end up donating everything. What matters
is that, in the end, I'm helping someone else. I'm giving a blanket to
someone who needs one. I'm creating an opportunity for education.
While I may not get a monetary return, I'm
actually donating to myself. Getting rid of the stuff, clearing space to
create more love, helps me by reducing the stress I've accumulated with the
stuff.
I need more space. By donating
things, the space in my house is increased. Not for storage of other
things or for new items, but I'm creating more space for love. I'm creating
more space for my children to play, more space for peace, and more space for
time with the things that really matter.
Making a donation is not only providing
someone in need with hope, it’s another way of providing myself with hope, and
creating more space in my life to fill with love for my family and provide for
a better future.
And while it's hard to know that I have
looming bills that need taken care of that add stress to our lives, I also am
reminded that I have a home, and blankets, and clothing. I have things to
donate, others don't.
I can spare my stress and increase their
happiness in one motion.
Regardless of the outcome, in my heart I
know that if I donate these things I'll be making space for someone else to
fill their house with love. Love is a blanket, or a new shirt. Love
is a job opportunity, or shoes on your feet. Love can be anything, and
the more love I give out, the more I'll be able to give to my family and get in
return.
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