This may not seem like the biggest event on Earth, certainly not in terms of public speaking engagements... or even that big of a deal in general to many, but it was a big deal to me.
It's a big deal that someone felt I had something to say. It was a big deal since anytime I can offer words, actions, or thoughts of support to another woman I relish the opportunity. It's a big deal to me to be given the chance to connect with others who have similar interests and passions. It's a big deal to me to meet people with a like mind-set about birth, child-rearing, and general women's health rights beliefs, This is important to me since I feel at times that I'm living in the adult version of Mean Girls.
For those of you who haven't seen Mean Girls, I'm not going to spoil it for you. I am going to say you should Netflix it, and if you don't empathize with one of the characters... you might have been, or might be a mean girl... sorry.
Back at the Rally, I listened to other women speak about their experiences. I smiled at their anecdotes, I empathized with their struggles, the whole time trying to think of ways I could support them and other women. Ways I could make things better...
Perhaps it is this naive optimism that led me to believe I could talk about the idea of improving birth with the rest of the world, and experience the same camaraderie. Unfortunately... I was wrong.
When I mentioned to someone that I'd spoken at the Rally, I was greeted with an eye roll and a comment about a woman "Who cried over having a C-Section? Jeepers, I had a c-section and I was fine! It's nothing to cry about."
It took a great deal of self-control to keep my head. I wanted to remind this woman of the lengthy discussion she and I had engaged in not even a month earlier. That discussion involved her first c-section, and afterward she decided that she wanted a repeat with her second child.
Her doctors forced her to try a VBAC, despite her wishes. This resulted in another prolonged labor with no progression, and another round of surgery that she could have been prepared for, but she wasn't. She was exhausted from laboring, exhausted from surgery, and exhausted from not being able to have the birth she wanted.
I wanted to remind her that she had her choices taken away from her. I wanted to remind her that this had made her very angry, and that I had supported her desire to have another c-section even if her decision was different from my own. I wanted to yell at her and say "How dare you judge someone else for being upset over having their choices taken away from them? You had your choices taken from you, can't you empathize?"
What I said, instead, was that the woman who spoke at the Rally wasn't "crying about having to have a c-section." "She was upset that she had to travel so far in order to have the birth she wanted. She was upset that her care providers weren't listening to her desires, and were trying to force her into a surgery that may have not been necessary. She upset because her choices were taken away from her."
The conversation then changed to how a Mother's choices always aren't in the best interest of the child, with the woman using the example of a nurse at an OB/GYN's office who was electing induction at 37-38 weeks. "Sometimes mothers don't always know best."
While I agreed with this statement, and considered the elective induction at 37-38 weeks to be unnecessary and frivolous, I also felt that judging this woman was wrong. I didn't know her history, medical condition, or the level of emotional support she'd have during labor. I knew nothing about her.
I did feel sorry that she lacked access to a supportive caregiver who would advise against early induction, and support her through those final weeks of pregnancy. I felt sad that she was misinformed by the adage that "37 weeks is 'technically' full term," and didn't have a group of friends or anyone to help her make a better decision. I felt angry that her doctor was allowing this without advising her of the risks. But I didn't judge her - I only wished more support and more information for her. I didn't judge her, even if in my opinion her choices were wrong... they weren't my choices. They were hers.
Judging women for their choices regarding birth, parenting, or anything have to do with children happens everyday. Caregivers, Doctors, The Media... but the most abhorrent of these judgements - I feel - come from other mothers. Other mothers who have been through similar experiences, and probably experienced similar judgements, are the primary source of repeating the very same behaviors they probably complained about. And sometimes it's not even judgements about decisions; sometimes it's comments that are meant to inform, but really sabotage the confidence of the person on the receiving end.
It happens to every pregnant woman at least once during her 40 week long creation of life. Sometimes it's expected because the person is "just that way," and sometimes it's completely out of the blue. But it's almost ALWAYS from another female.
" I was so sick for the whole 9 months I was puking constantly, have fun with that!"
"Oh, you poor thing. I wasn't sick at all, I felt great!"
"I gained 900 pounds while I was pregnant! Just you wait, you'll pack it on as well."
"I only gained 18 pounds, and I lost it within 6 months. You'll get there!"
"Labor was THE WORST PAIN EVER! I was in labor for days and it was awful. Just sign up for the epidural now."
"I labored so fast I didn't have time for pain medicine; the doctor barely made it in to catch the baby!"
"I had a completely natural birth - no pain medicine. You don't need it and it's so bad for you."
(Side note: those quotes above were all things I either had said to me, or heard someone say to another pregnant woman. No joke.)
It gets worse later. By the end of the pregnancy not only are you sick of being pregnant, you're sick to death of people judging your choices and decisions.
"You're having a home birth??? Are you CRAZY?"
"Oh, hospitals are so awful... you should just stay home and let it happen naturally."
"I hated breastfeeding - hated it. I wish I'd never tried it."
"I tried to breastfeed, but I never had enough milk... everyone struggles with that. It's best to just get formula now because you'll probably run out of milk before you know it."
"I breastfed for 3 years without any problem."
"You're co-sleeping? Are you crazy?"
"You put your baby in a separate room? Are you Crazy???"
"You're not vaccinating? Are you insane?"
"Don't you know how bad vaccines are for children?"
"Circumcision is a horrible, awful process."
"I can't believe you didn't circumcise; he's going to get made fun of later on!"
"You're going to smother that child with that wrap you are wearing. Babywearing is dangerous!"
"That poor child in the stroller; you should wear him."
"Cloth diapering is ridiculous."
"Disposables are terrible!"
"Time out doesn't work."
"A spanking never hurt me!"
"Don't have dogs around children - they'll eat them!"
"Every child should have a pet, you're depriving them of that experience."
Stop!
Unfortunately, unless they're sitting on the fence, nothing you say is going to change their mind. If they're going to breastfeed, they're going to breastfeed. If they're going to circumcise, they're going to circumcise. And that's their choice. You might think it's wrong/insane/stupid... but it's not your job to decide what THEY think is best for their child, or best for themselves. If these statements are meant to inform, or encourage, or support ... there are certainly better ways of expressing those sentiments.
But again, I ask...why do we do this to one another? If a doctor, or husband/partner/male said anything like this to us we'd flip out. They'd be called misogynists, or assholes... how could they possibly understand what a woman goes through during pregnancy/birth/labor/breastfeeding?
Though...at least in my experience, these and other comments said to me didn't come from men. They came from other women. Other women who should understand, and have been in similar situations. Why do we do this? Isn't being pregnant, laboring, delivering, parenting... aren't all those things difficult and frightening enough without the comments? Isn't it hard enough to believe you're doing the right thing without someone constantly telling you how wrong you are?
I want each and every one of us to look in the mirror, admit that we all have done this to another woman, and vow to never do it again. Instead, if we're looking to support other women in birthing decisions and parenting choices, think of more constructive ways to share your experiences or opinions. For example...
"For me, I want a hospital birth because I want someone else to do the clean-up work. I know I wouldn't be able to resist from cleaning up something when I should be resting. But good for you for having a home birth, I hope it goes great!"
"I couldn't breastfeed, it was too much trouble. But I know they have support groups.. if it's important to you, look into one; they'll probably have more suggestions than I do."
See? Not so hard... still validating your own opinion/choice, and doing it without making the other person feel bad about themselves.
I wrote a post about why I chose to VBAC, and why I would always choose to do so. But that is me. It was written by me, for me, and for anyone else sitting on the fence about trying to VBAC or not. Since I wrote that, and since I attended the Rally, I really want to see someone write a post about choosing a repeat c-section.
While I may not agree with them, I want to know what they went through during the process of choosing. I want to know how it went, if they had support, if the doctors and nurses were kind. I want to know if she was happy with her choice, and applaud her for sticking with it. I want to tell her that I support her decision, and I support her right to make that choice if she feels that is what's best for her and her family.
This universal support and acceptance of the fact that while our opinions and choices may differ, our goals remain the same, is the driving force behind the #isupportyou movement on twitter. It is the reason I feel improving birth and women's choices in birth is so important. It's the reason I keep speaking out about my birth choices, or my parenting choices... We need to feel like we are not alone.
At the Rally a woman spoke about her experience, and she explained how moved she was by a sign that said "Peace on Earth Begins At Birth." This is a powerful statement. Peace begins at birth, within us, from us. Peace begins with us extending that peace to others, encouraging them and supporting them. Peace can only be spread by peaceful acceptance of different opinions and choices. And I want to expand on that by adding one of my favorite quotes and standing principles in life... If we want peace on Earth, we need to initiate that. We must be the change we want to see in the world.
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