I was telling someone in my yoga class a few weeks ago that I had to be extra careful with the playlists I was putting together. When asked why, I mentioned that a majority of the songs available for the final track in the routine made me cry. Her reaction was one of disgust.
"Oh... I never cry. I just don't. It's not something I do."
Oh, well all right then. I guess I'll just be over here in the corner... with my sad music... crying...
Guess what? I just had a baby a little less than three months ago. My hormones might be out of sync with everything still and it might make me a bit weepy. Should I apologize for that? Apparently so...
If I'm honest (which I usually am, unfortunately) my crying over music and certain songs has nothing to do with hormones. It does, however, have everything to do with the fact that I am a crier. Yup, I confessed it. If this were Criers Anonymous I'd be through my introduction by now. Hi, my name is Staci and I am a crier.
Why is this, of all emotions humans can feel, one that is looked down on so fiercely? Or judged harshly based on when a person does it and when society thinks its appropriate. You may cry during funerals, over deaths, and maybe during tough times - but those are the only socially acceptable times. If you cry outside of these times, it's a sign of weakness... or sensitivity... or possibly insanity.
This expectation puts me in a bit of a bind, you see... because I cry a lot. I cry when I'm overly happy, I cry when I'm sad... I cry when I'm pissed off, frustrated, tired, irritated, angry, moody, hot, cold, hungry... obviously this is a bit of an exaggeration, but I do cry a lot.
I cry sometimes while watching the news, because the world can be beautiful or disgusting at times. I cry when I hear of other peoples struggles because I feel so deeply for them - no matter how well I know them. I cry when I hear of traumatic incidences, or learn of upcoming threats of war. I cry when my children cry, because I hate to see them in pain. I cry when I'm in pain, or when someone I care about is upset... It's my catch-all reaction to deal with the flood of emotions that reside inside of me. Kristen Bell's analysis of her emotions - particularly the part about being okay when between a 3-7 on the emotional scale is a very good example of what my emotional capabilities are.
I feel like people judge me for it. I'm too sensitive. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the right amount of emotional control. I should be more stoic, more mature, and better equipped at handling any emotion or situation I am faced with (if it doesn't fall into one of the above mentioned categories).
See, to me that's bullshit. I feel what I feel and I do what I need to do to cope with those feelings.
I know I'm not alone in this plight of excessive emotions. I know there are plenty of other people who simply "feel too much" and have no other way of dealing with it other than crying.
Rather than embracing stoicism or criticizing myself, I've chosen to see my ability to cry as a strength - despite society telling me to do the opposite. I'm not afraid to look vulnerable, or admit that things get to me. I'm not so self-important to think that, even though my problems are much worse than anything anyone else has had to deal with, I don't cry and neither should anyone else.
I'm stronger because I can not only admit that things bother me enough to merit an emotional response, but I can find an effective way of dealing with these emotions that allow me to recover and move on faster. I don't hold grudges when I get angry; I cry it out and then I'm pretty much over it. Even if I don't get to confront the person who may be responsible for irritating me, crying at least gives me that emotional catharsis I need to move towards a state of forgiveness - or at least one of acceptance of differences.
Crying, for me, is my way of dealing with a world that can be horrid and beautiful. It's my way of coping with the stress in my life, and my way of finding some way to release the emotions that build up over time. It's my way of dealing with the flood of happiness that I feel during precious life moments, and my way of coping with disappointment and failure. It's my way of grieving, my way of thriving, and my way of recovering from the variety of emotional trauma we all experience at some point.
If you're thinking that you don't have that much emotional trauma to require a good cry, then good for you. Congratulations. But if you can't think of something so happy that it brings you to tears, you have my pity - because crying in joy is wonderfully cathartic.
And if you're reading this and thinking "I still don't cry and I can't believe she cries that much..." Well, there's a train that will take you out of IDon'tGiveARatsFartWhatYouThink-Ville and you are welcome to board it. I'll be over here in my little corner of the world, crying it out... and then I'll forgive you for judging me - which, in my humble opinion, is probably better for my emotional health than it is for you.
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